Dealing With Grief

Contents
Click the link to go to that section

Phases of Grief
Help Through Grief
Symptoms of Grief
Feelings During Grief
How Grief Changes Our Lives
Myths About Grief
Some Facts About Life After Death

The Phases of Grief

From My Son...My Son...A Guide to Healing After Death, Loss, or Suicide 
By Iris Bolton
(Bolton Press, 1090 Crest Brook Lane, Roswell, GA 30075 - Phone: 770-645-1886.)
Used With Permission
There is no right or wrong way to grieve. All your feelings are normal. It is helpful, however, to know that human grief is a process that often follows a healing pattern. 

 Shock is the first stage. It is accompanied by disbelief and numbness.

Denial follows quickly, crying "I don't believe it," or "It can't be."

Bargaining is your promise that "I'll be so very good that maybe I can wake up and find that it isn't so. I'll do all the right things if only...."

Guilt is painful and hard to deal with. This is when one says over and over, "If only I had..." or "If only I had not..." This is a normal feeling and ultimately it may be solved by stating, "I'm a human being and I gave the best and worst of me to my friend (child, husband, etc...) and what he or she does with that is his or her responsibility. Anger is another big factor which seems to be necessary in order to face the reality of life and then to get beyond it. We must all heal in our own ways.

Anger is a natural stage through which we must pass. Your anger at your deceased loved one may even make you feel guilty, or it may be because your own life continues whereas your friend's life is over.

Depression is a stage of grief that comes and goes. Knowing this, be prepared to give yourself time to heal. Resignation is a late stage. It comes when finally you accept the truth.

Acceptance and hope! Understand that you will never be the same but your life can go on to find meaning and purpose.

WHAT TO DO:
  • Share your feelings with someone 
  • Discuss those feelings openly and frankly
  •  Show interest and support to those who need your help 
  • Get professional assistance 

Suicide is a Permanent Solution to a Temporary Problem

RETURN TO TOP OF PAGE

Help Through Grief

From Bereavement and Support by Marylou Hughes
    Taylor & Francis, 1995, Used with permission
    1. Be patient with yourself. Do not compare yourself to others. Go through the mourning process at your own pace.
    2. Admit you are hurting and go with the pain.
    3. Apply cold or heat to your body, whichever feels best.
    4. Ask for and accept help.
    5. Talk to others.
    6. Face the loss.
    7. Stop asking "Why?" and ask "What will I do now?"
    8. Recognize that a bad day does not mean that all is lost.
    9. Rest.
    10. Exercise.
    11. Keep to a routine.
    12. Introduce pleasant changes into your life.
    13. Know that you will survive.
    14. Take care of something alive, such as a plant or a pet.
    15. Schedule activities to help yourself get through weekends and holidays.
    16. Find someone who needs your help.
    17. Accept your feelings as part of the normal grief reaction.
    18. Postpone major decisions whenever possible.
    19. Do something you enjoy doing.
    20. Write in a journal.
    21. Be around people.
    22. Schedule time alone.
    23. Do not overdo.
    24. Eat regularly.

    RETURN TO TOP OF PAGE

    Symptoms of Grief

    From Bereavement and Support by Marylou Hughes - Taylor & Francis, 1995, Used with permission

    PHYSICAL

    • Hyperactive or underactive
    • Feelings of unreality
    • Physical distress such as chest pains,abdominal pains, headaches, nausea 
    • Change in appetite
    •  Weight change
    • Fatigue
    • Sleeping problems
    • Restlessness
    • Crying and sighing
    • Feelings of emptiness
    • Shortness of breath
    • Tightness in the throat 

    EMOTIONAL

    • Numbness
    • Sadness
    • Anger
    • Fear 
    • Relief
    • Irritability
    • Guilt
    • Loneliness
    • Longing
    • Anxiety
    • Meaninglessness
    • Apathy
    • Vulnerability
    • Abandonment

    SOCIAL

    Overly sensitive
    Dependent
    Withdrawn
    Avoid others
    Lack of initiative
    Lack of interest

    BEHAVIORAL

    • Forgetfulness
    • Searching for the deceased
    • Slowed thinking
    • Dreams of the deceased
    • Sense the loved one's presence
    • Wandering aimlessly
    • Trying not to talk about loss in order to help others feel comfortable around them
    • Needing to retell the story of the loved one's death

    RETURN TO TOP OF PAGE

    Feeling During the Phases of Grief

    From Bereavement and Support by Marylou Hughes  - Taylor & Francis, 1995, Used with permission

    IMPACT
    Felt when the knowledge of the death arrives: 

    • Denial
    • Numb
    • Relief
    • Can't Remember
    • Empty
    • Shock

    RECOIL
    The time when feelings from the shock start coming back:

    • Anger
    • Fear
    • Panic
    • Disoriented
    • Sick
    • Exhausted

    ACCOMMODATION
    Occurs when the mourner realizes that life will go on

    • There's More
    • Look Ahead
    • It's Up To Me
    • It's OK
    • I'll Make It
    • Healthy Again

    RETURN TO TOP OF PAGE

    How Grief Changes Our Lives

    EMOTIONALLY

    • Sad
    • Angry
    • Anxious
    • Guilty
    • Lonely
    • Resentful
    • Denial
    • Fear
    • Flash-backs
    • Relief

    SOCIALLY

    • Fifth Wheel
    • Said No To Invitations
    • Self-Conscious
    • Loss Of Companionship
    • Avoid Places
    • Make New Friends

    PHYSICALLY

    • Fatigue
    • Flare-ups of Chronic Conditions
    • Crying
    • Empty Feeling
    • Sleeping Problems
    • Eating Problems

    BEHAVIORALLY

    • Withdrawn
    • Kept Busy
    • Stayed In Bed
    • New skills
    • Lost Life-Style
    • Have To Care For Self
    • Restless

    RETURN TO TOP OF PAGE

    Common Myths About Grief

    From How To Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies 
    By Therese A. Rando, Ph.D.
    1. Children grieve like adults.
    2. Grief is the same after all types of death.
    3. It takes two months to get over your grief.
    4. All bereaved people grieve in the same way.
    5. Your grief will decline over time without any upsurges.
    6. When grief is resolved, it never comes up again.
    7. You and your family will be the same after the death of a loved one.
    8. It's not okay to feel sorry for yourself.
    9. There is no reason to be angry at your deceased loved one.
    10. Men and women grieve in the same ways.
    11. Children need to be protected from grief and death.
    12. You will have no relationship with your loved one after his or her death.
    13. Parents usually divorce after a child dies.
    14. Once your loved one has died, it is better not to focus on him or her but to put him or her in the past and go on with your life.
      These and other myths can make the process of grieving more painful and difficult by creating unrealistic expectations for your recovery and preventing you from asking others for the support you need.

    RETURN TO TOP OF PAGE

    Some Facts Of Life After A Death

    From Bereavement and Support by Marylou Hughes
    Taylor & Francis, 1995, Used with permission
    1. People want you to be "fine" - not unhappy.
    2. It is a couple society.
    3. You may feel that you are going crazy.
    4. Tears come unbidden.
    5. Physicians want to give you medication.
    6. Finances change, frequently for the worse.
    7. Some friends and acquaintances drift away.
    8. Skills that have not been used have atrophied and need to be relearned.
    9. There is anger, and guilt about the anger.
    10. You may question your faith.
    11. People do not know what to say to you.
    12. Widowers may remarry soon. Widows probably won't.
    13. People will try to comfort you by saying, "It is for the best."
    14. You feel vulnerable to exploitation.
    15. You feel incomplete. Something is missing.
    16. There are "Whys" and "If onlys".
    17. People may avoid talking about the deceased, thinking that they do not want to upset you.
    18. Chronic health problems may flare up.
    19. People will want to give you advice or tell you what to do.
    20. Relationships change.

    RETURN TO TOP OF PAGE